Why We Repeat Patterns in Relationships – and How Therapy Can Help
Why We Repeat Patterns in Relationships – and How Therapy Can Help
Have you ever found yourself in the same kind of relationship, just with a different person? Perhaps you consistently choose emotionally unavailable partners or give more than you receive. These patterns can feel frustrating, even exhausting — and yet they are rarely accidental. In psychology, this is referred to as repetition compulsion: an unconscious attempt to recreate familiar relational experiences, often rooted in early life. The hope, often unspoken, is to finally resolve what went wrong — but the familiar can become a trap, especially when it leads to recurring pain.
The Role of Attachment in Relationship Patterns
To better understand why these cycles occur, it helps to consider the lens of attachment theory — particularly as explored in Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. This accessible and popular book identifies three attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. These styles influence how people seek connection, respond to intimacy, and manage emotional expression.
Those with an anxious attachment style may experience heightened sensitivity to their partner’s mood or behaviour, often fearing abandonment and craving reassurance. Avoidant individuals, on the other hand, tend to suppress emotional needs and prioritise independence, which can make them appear distant. Secure types are typically comfortable with closeness and communicate openly.
Understanding your style — or recognising how it may shift depending on the relationship — can provide clarity. However, as a practitioner I tend to agree with critics that these categories are not fixed. Personal growth, environmental stressors, and relational dynamics all shape how attachment unfolds. For those navigating anxiety in relationships, identifying patterns is often the first step towards healing.
How Therapy and Anxiety Support Can Help
This is where counselling becomes transformative. Therapy offers a safe and non-judgemental space to explore recurring patterns with curiosity rather than criticism. It allows individuals to trace their emotional responses, challenge outdated narratives, and build more fulfilling relational habits.
As a counsellor offering anxiety support in Cambridge, I work with clients to untangle the emotional drivers beneath repetition compulsion. Together, we explore how attachment styles influence current dynamics, and how new strategies — grounded in self-awareness and resilience — can foster healthier, more authentic connections.
Therapy is not about pointing fingers or dwelling on the past. It is about understanding yourself with kindness and clarity. When you begin to see how old patterns have shaped your relationships, you also start to realise that you are not stuck with them. Once these patterns rise to the surface — no longer buried in the depths of your unconscious — you may begin to feel empowered to make different choices: ones rooted in self-worth, trust, and a deeper sense of what truly feels safe and fulfilling.
You do not need to experience anxiety to explore challenges in relationships. Relationships evoke a myriad of emotions, and their complexities reach beyond romantic partnerships. The challenges may lie with friends, colleagues, or relatives — whether close or distant. Are these relationships equal, are they painful, are they necessary? These are important questions worth exploring, and they form one of the areas I especially value working through with my clients.
The purpose of therapy is not to prescribe answers, but to uncover new perspectives and help improve the quality of life. If this message resonates with you and you feel ready to take the next step towards healthier, more authentic relationships, I invite you to get in touch and book your first free session. I would be honoured to support you.
To learn more about my relationship counselling services in Cambridge, please get in touch
